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Aug
19th
Tue
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Chad, from Million Dollar Listing, you wouldn’t really qualify as a useless twat if you’d just come out of the closet already. Though regardless of which way you swing, that terry headband earned you an ass-whupping.

Chad, from Million Dollar Listing, you wouldn’t really qualify as a useless twat if you’d just come out of the closet already. Though regardless of which way you swing, that terry headband earned you an ass-whupping.

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Okay, Jemaine Clement, you’re not really a twat. But why’d you have to go and get married? Why, Jemaine, why? I thought we had an agreement. You’d go through your famous thing—fuck around, whatnot, get it out of your system—and then it’d be just us. We’d get fat and old together (okay, I kind of have a headstart on that, but whatever) and then retire to your Motherland. Maybe open a pub. But now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve dashed my hopes and made a mockery of my dreams. And for that I have to say, Jemaine Clement, you’re just a wee bit twattish.

Okay, Jemaine Clement, you’re not really a twat. But why’d you have to go and get married? Why, Jemaine, why? I thought we had an agreement. You’d go through your famous thing—fuck around, whatnot, get it out of your system—and then it’d be just us. We’d get fat and old together (okay, I kind of have a headstart on that, but whatever) and then retire to your Motherland. Maybe open a pub. But now you’ve gone and done it. You’ve dashed my hopes and made a mockery of my dreams. And for that I have to say, Jemaine Clement, you’re just a wee bit twattish.

Aug
11th
Mon
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Happy Birthday, Jerry Falwell! I would’ve helped you blow out your candles, but it seems your Lord Jesus Christ already took care of that!

Happy Birthday, Jerry Falwell! I would’ve helped you blow out your candles, but it seems your Lord Jesus Christ already took care of that!

Aug
8th
Fri
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It’s okay, people, his wife’s cancer was in remission! And everyone knows it’s okay to cheat on your cancer-stricken wife once she’s done with chemo. Plus, who wants to bang a cancer patient? All that hair loss? The whole downer “I’m afraid I’m going to die” attitude… Can’t hardly blame the guy.
Oh wait, yes, I can. John Edwards, you have moved beyond mere twatdom and risen to the heights of Sore-Covered Scrotal Sac.

It’s okay, people, his wife’s cancer was in remission! And everyone knows it’s okay to cheat on your cancer-stricken wife once she’s done with chemo. Plus, who wants to bang a cancer patient? All that hair loss? The whole downer “I’m afraid I’m going to die” attitude… Can’t hardly blame the guy.

Oh wait, yes, I can. John Edwards, you have moved beyond mere twatdom and risen to the heights of Sore-Covered Scrotal Sac.

Aug
6th
Wed
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Brody Jenner is Bruce Jenner’s kid. Remember Bruce Jenner? He was some sort of athlete a few decades ago, now he’s had his face pulled tight and is stepdaddy to the big-butted Kardashian girls.
Back to Brody. It’s my belief that getting anybody’s name tattooed on your body is extremely stupid. But having your own name inked on seriously ups that ante. Brody Jenner, I declare you, Twattus Maximus.

Brody Jenner is Bruce Jenner’s kid. Remember Bruce Jenner? He was some sort of athlete a few decades ago, now he’s had his face pulled tight and is stepdaddy to the big-butted Kardashian girls.

Back to Brody. It’s my belief that getting anybody’s name tattooed on your body is extremely stupid. But having your own name inked on seriously ups that ante. Brody Jenner, I declare you, Twattus Maximus.

Aug
4th
Mon
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Know what looks worse than admitting it was your Hillbilly Heroin that Heath Ledger was scarfing the day he died? Demanding immunity from prosecution before you’ll talk to the feds. You stupid, stupid little twat. All you have to do is ‘fess up and then make the obligatory 28-day trek to some cushy rehab. You’d not only be absolved, you’d probably get a book deal.

Know what looks worse than admitting it was your Hillbilly Heroin that Heath Ledger was scarfing the day he died? Demanding immunity from prosecution before you’ll talk to the feds. You stupid, stupid little twat. All you have to do is ‘fess up and then make the obligatory 28-day trek to some cushy rehab. You’d not only be absolved, you’d probably get a book deal.

Aug
2nd
Sat
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Jonathan Baxter, you stupid twat. You have built a cult around a hula hoop! The only thing more twattish than you are the morons who follow you.
If you have any doubts, read on as Bax drops some hoop knowledge:

I choose to live in a world of Hope. I choose to live in a world of Promise. I choose to live in a world of laughter. I choose to live in a world of young children with big, uncorrupted eyes looking back up at me. I choose to live in world of brothers who walk again, of sons who come home again.

Dude, you’re hula hooping! It’s a toy made by a company called Wham-O! As stupid as religion is, at least Catholics have cool bloody icons. Jews have mezzuzahs and matzoh. All you’ve got is a plastic hoop!
Here’s more:

Through years of daily, solo, blindfolded Practice, Baxter discovered innumerable technical nuances in the art of hoop dance, as well as descriptive names and vivid metaphors that make his insights readily available to even the beginning hoop student.

Wow. I can’t even imagine how one would distill complex hula hoop metaphors into a format that even a dumb-ass beginner would be able to comprehend. You must truly be something, Jonathan Baxter. Or maybe you’re just another stupid twat.

Jonathan Baxter, you stupid twat. You have built a cult around a hula hoop! The only thing more twattish than you are the morons who follow you.

If you have any doubts, read on as Bax drops some hoop knowledge:

I choose to live in a world of Hope. I choose to live in a world of Promise. I choose to live in a world of laughter. I choose to live in a world of young children with big, uncorrupted eyes looking back up at me. I choose to live in world of brothers who walk again, of sons who come home again.

Dude, you’re hula hooping! It’s a toy made by a company called Wham-O! As stupid as religion is, at least Catholics have cool bloody icons. Jews have mezzuzahs and matzoh. All you’ve got is a plastic hoop!

Here’s more:

Through years of daily, solo, blindfolded Practice, Baxter discovered innumerable technical nuances in the art of hoop dance, as well as descriptive names and vivid metaphors that make his insights readily available to even the beginning hoop student.

Wow. I can’t even imagine how one would distill complex hula hoop metaphors into a format that even a dumb-ass beginner would be able to comprehend. You must truly be something, Jonathan Baxter. Or maybe you’re just another stupid twat.

Aug
1st
Fri
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You are a grown-up lady and should therefore not be wearing a romper—an item of clothing designed for toddlers. You are no better than those 90s ravers with their lollies and glowsticks and you are standing on my last nerve.

You are a grown-up lady and should therefore not be wearing a romper—an item of clothing designed for toddlers. You are no better than those 90s ravers with their lollies and glowsticks and you are standing on my last nerve.